Once again every team has passed around the pistol. The players who lasted are on this list. These men produced come hell or high water through rain or shine. They have proved to be superior specimens at their respective positions. {Begin Major Payne Narration} There's blood and guts on their cleats from climbing and clawing their way over an enormous pile of sad sacks of shit who tried to reach this summit. If those maggots who fell flat on their face need sympathy they can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.Â
~QUARTERBACK~
SEA R. Wilson 101.8 QBR, 3538 YD, 33 TD, 19 INT, 70% COMP
RW is a smooth criminal. He may look like a ballerina out there, but when you remove the blinders he's dancing circles around his opponents. Just like Wilson in real life Randy's QB shines without a wealth of predominant pass catchers. He's also more slippery than a minnow's dick, which is evident when you see that he was only sacked 19 times. Go Hawks.
CLE J. Manziel 123.9 QBR, 3735 YD, 26 TD, 11 INT, 69% COMP
Manziel's 29 total touchdowns compared to only turning the ball over 11 times is difficult for me to fathom in M25. Maintaining a 124 quarterback rating while averaging a league best 12.1 yards per attempt is a correlation that defies the laws of nature. I can just picture Tosh rubbing his thumb and fingers together every time Jersey Shore Johnny slingshots one to the promised land.
~HALFBACK~
WAS P. Strong 1383 YD, 4.5 AVG, 23 TD
This kid was born into a name that suits him. Both his physical strength and one strong performance after another attest to that. Each of the Ravens, Vikings, Giants, Titans, and Jaguars entire offensive squads had less touchdowns than the 24 that the Redskins 3rd round rookie accounted for. Paul also had twelve runs for 20+ yards, which is far from an easy feat in M25.
HOU C. Michael 1389 YD, 4.6 AVG, 19 TD
Other than having a female first name there's nothing funny about this back. C Mic has an impressive stat-line before even mentioning that he missed three games. The fact that he toted the rock 304 times, and didn't fumble a single time is also noteworthy. Lastly 515 of his rush yards came after first contact.
~FULLBACK~Â
OAK M. Reece 170 TOTAL YD, 3 TOTAL TD
No surprise here. Reece is a jerk of all trades. He can run, block, and catch at a high level. With that kind of size and speed i'd even be comfortable throwing him in there at linebacker. Defenders who cross his path are known as Reece's left in Pieces.Â
TB D. Dickerson 345 TOTAL YD, 3 TOTAL TD
He rumbles and bumbles when it counts. Dorin is often seen shifted back to the H spot, and it's hard not to notice this substitution due to his imposing size. His 120 YAC shows off his ability to grind it out. Dicky is a unique piece to the often puzzling Buccaneers.
~WIDE RECEIVER~
ARI A. Pederson 78 REC, 1792 YD, 17 TD
The new tagline in Arizona "Feed the Peed" has been born. This guy shits in the woods and wipes his butt with rookie records. There's no doubt in my mind that this is only the beginning for this young superstar. Once he grew accustom to the NFL AP2.0 never dipped below 100 yards and had at least 1 TD in weeks 12-17.Â
CIN M. Jones 101 REC, 1670 YD, 13 TD
AJ who? Marvin was starvin, so the ginger fed him passes. You could also call him Marvin the Martian, because he was ballin out of this world! Tacky I know, but I digress. I believe his production is even more impressive considering his pedestrian physical attributes. It seems as though this Looney Tune could catch anything except maybe The Roadrunner.Â
~TIGHT END~
MIA C. Sensabaugh 102 REC, 1531 YD, 14 TD
Holy hell o kitty. Chuck is a nightmare for defensive coordinators on a Freddie Krueger level. The usual TE suspects should kneel before their new sensei. Shall we dub him Chuck-e-Cheese?(totally kidding I see it as legit) Looking ahead to season 3 the combination of this new powerhouse, AJ Green, and Mike Wallace gives me shivers. Unless the Dolphins trade MW to the Bucs. Call me maybe?
BAL D. Pitta 101 REC, 1403 YD, 4 TD
Pitta Patter is light on his toes, but he packs a punch. Punch flavor packet that is, because he slams into defenders like the Koolaid man coming through a wall. That said maybe Mosh Pitta is a more suitable nickname. He only walked the line four times, but Dennis is reliable, often open, and he moves the chains.
{MIDDLE LINEBACKER}
SF N. Bowman 100 TKL, 9 TFL, 2 SCK, 5 INT
On gameday he is busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers. Hawkeye has got nothing on this Bowman when it comes to coordination, reflexes, and toughness. Additional statistics include thirteen passes deflected and three touchdowns. He is the beating heart of a traditionally stingy defense. I'm sure he will please the pants off of the new Niner GM Hereten with his consistent performances.Â
NO R. Castillo 57 TKL, 12 TFL, 5 SCK, 16 INT
In the history of Draftwho there isn't a single player that I have dreaded playing against more than this Saints terminator. No1x users this linebacker, so the combination between Castillo's top notch intangibles and No1xdraftpick's elite instincts equals a high degree of deadly. Raymond also stripped the ball loose four times to put the period on a statement that says "Don't fuck with me."
~OUTSIDE LINEBACKER~
KC A. Smith 52 TKL, 25 TFL, 13 SCK, 1 INT
Quarterbacks would rather face Ser Gregor Clegane in single combat than see this backer coming at them with a full head of steam. This season Aldon Smith single handedly dismantled 25 plays behind the line of scrimmage. If three other guys in his front seven could keep up with that pace 100 snaps in 16 games would net negative yards. "We who about to die salute you."Â
OAK S. Moore 67 TKL, 14 TFL, 6 SCK, 3 INT
When Sio arrives at The Black Hole the Undertaker's theme song is always playing in his headphones. He then proceeds to chokeslam offensive ball carriers. He's like a rabid rottweiler that hasn't eaten in three days, but it's actually his versatility that puts him over the top.
{CORNERBACK}
WAS D. Amerson 36 TKL, 13 INT, 2 TD
Amerson is a sneaky good player that lead a trio of corners who are all gifted at stealing passes. He will no longer be underestimated after leading all corners in interceptions this season. David is yet another shiny tool in the Redskins' shed, and He's riding the gravy train on biscuit wheels.
ARI P. Peterson 43 TKL, 1 SCK, 12 INT, 4 TD
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! PP is the stuff of legends. Completing a pass in the direction of Peterson is harder than a choir boy in a porn shop. You blink and he's on the other side of the field jumping your route. There isn't another corner in Madden that i'd rather own.
{STRONG SAFETY}
NYJ A. Rolle 91 TKL, 5 TFL, 1 SCK, 7 INT
Crab cakes and football, that's what Antrel does! He plays like a pissed off wasp. You never see him lagging behind a play. If there's action Rolle is in the midst of it, or he's arriving on the scene to mop up. He's no one trick pony either. Besides approaching the 100 mark in take-downs he forced two fumbles and snatched the ball away from pass catchers seven times.
PIT Z. Boyd 71 TKL, 10 TFL, 2 SCK, 7 INT
Zebadee dooh dah Zebadee do ay my oh my what a studly safetay. To put this plainly Zeb fucks shit up. He smashes the line of scrimmage like Ray Lewis, and ball-hawks like Ed Reed. The End. Â
{FREE SAFETY}
IND L. Landry 93 TKL, 4 TFL, 4 INT
This guy forced eight, check it eight, fumbles and recovered two of them himself. He's an old school, tougher than nails, tackling machine. There's a screw loose where the gentle part of his brain used to be hinged. He's nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.
CLE T. Gipson 53 TKL, 4 TFL, 2 SCK, 14 INT
I'm convinced that this safety is telepathic. Gip knows where the quarterback wants to go with the ball the moment the center exchange is completed. He's like the ghost in Mario Bros. If you're paying attention he acts dormant, but when you make a move he swoops in for the kill.
{DEFENSIVE TACKLE}
CIN G. Atkins 34 TKL, 18 TFL, 13 SCKAtkins is always a monster. He's a true difference maker, because he forces the offense to direct their plays outside and away from him. It's also very beneficial to a D when you can apply crazy quarterback pressure up the middle on top of rushers coming off of the edge. I think guards would rather slide down a banister wrapped with barbed wire into a pool of alcohol than match up with Geno on Sunday.Â
BUF K. Williams 29 TKL, 14 TFL, 8 SCK
There's nothing flashy about grandpa Kyle physically, but somehow the 34 year old is one of the few players to make this list two seasons in a row. "Inconceivable!" He's got one foot in the coffin, but the other one is still kicking ass. Young D lineman should model their preparation and relentlessness after K Will. NFL analyst Randy Moss has stated that there is no way Williams makes RR next season. To quote Moss he said "if that happens I will stick my manhood in a beehive and bang on it like a conga."
{DEFENSIVE END}
MIA D. Jordan 53 TKL, 26 TFL, 23Â SCK
Well this one was obvious. Dion had ten more sacks than anybody else in the league. Game after game he massacred ball carriers like they were Persians trying to pass through the hot gates. Linemen don't have a germ's chance in a bowl of Lysol at keeping him from the QB for an entire game. "We're not worthy!"
NE C. Jones 54 TKL 23 TFL 13 SCK
Here's another D end that contributes like a linebacker. When a rock meets a hard place CJ bull-rushes right through both of them. Most weeks it looks like Loki trying to block the Incredible Hulk on his end of the line. Azkaban wouldn't even be able to contain this Death Eater.
[KICKER]
NO G. Hartley 33 for 33, 57 LG
Garrett Hartley ever misses. It's not like he was chip shotting all over the green either. He was 6 for 6 on field goals longer than fifty yards. To keep his leg in peak condition i've heard that this boondock saint hops around on one foot for 50% of the day.
STL G. Zuerlein 26 for 26
Greg the leg is at it again. After two seasons he has yet to miss a field goal. We all know this kicker boots it like a German Howitzer, but what most people don't know is that Zoufan is a three-peat state champion in thumb wrestling.Â
~~HONORABLE MENTIONS~~
ARI QB L. Thomas
NE HB S. Ridley
ARI HB A. Ellington
CLE WR J. Gordon
ATL WR J. Jones
MIA MLB K. Misi
ATL OLB S. Weatherspoon
OAK CB C. Bailey
NO FS J. Byrd
MIN FS H. Smith
JAX SS J. Cyprien
DEN SS T. Ward
TB DT G. McCoy
PHI DE R. Cates
OAK DE C. Wake
